They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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