A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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