Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize