I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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