I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
i've created a new STD.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Randomize
