I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize