Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
