Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
