We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
