Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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