The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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