I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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