made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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