i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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