My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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