I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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