Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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