I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize