Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
