So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
