I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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