I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
