The maid of honor just puked.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
