I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
