I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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