I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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