Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
