just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
