you guys were way drunker than both of me
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
