oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
