At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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