Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
