Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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