Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I just sucked dick on a ferry
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
