bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
