In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
