Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
