Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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