If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
