My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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