can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
