We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
