I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
The best revenge is premature balding
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
