I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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