like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize