I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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