I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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