Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
