I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
