ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
