just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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