it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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