i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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