as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
