dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
