Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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