my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
