I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
