Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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