apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
