I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
