He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
And then my night got REAL pukey
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
