What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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