I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
my phone needs a breathalizer
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
