put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
