New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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